Texts From Last Night · markgrant's Favorites

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(360): View more from Washington

i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

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(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(289): View more from Ontario

he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(530): View more from California

I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(248): View more from Michigan

you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(562): View more from California

So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.

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(714): View more from California

when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow

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(312): View more from Illinois

I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(763): View more from Minnesota

there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(912): View more from Georgia

He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.

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(406): View more from Montana

I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

this is something i pride myself on being below average for

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(315): View more from New York

Hello wreck, this is your train calling.

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over

(314): View more from Missouri

you can't hurt those

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(913): View more from Kansas

Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

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(720): View more from Colorado

You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(305): View more from Florida

If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I found those 18 whoppers we bought.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(269): View more from Michigan

Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(847): View more from Illinois

oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(740): View more from Ohio

So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(813): View more from Florida

We shouldn"t be alone together

(606): View more from Kentucky

you didn"t say that yesterday

(813): View more from Florida

you weren't married yesterday

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(714): View more from California

I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.

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(818): View more from California

I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(949): View more from California

Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the drunkest girl in the tree.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.

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