Texts From Last Night · wartiak's Favorites

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wartiak's Favorites Texts:

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(785): View more from Kansas

Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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(716): View more from New York

found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(239): View more from Florida

I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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(513): View more from Ohio

both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(847): View more from Illinois

yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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wartiak's Favorites Texts:

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