Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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