I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Randomize
