My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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