I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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