I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
