Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
