i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
