Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
This toilet bowl is my home.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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