I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Ketchup is God's man juice
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
