I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
