i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
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