People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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