return my video game
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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