fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's a Shit stain on my heart
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
