We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
