I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Randomize
