6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
