I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
