I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
