I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
she pinky promised me she was 18
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
