I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Randomize
