Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
