Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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