So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
