His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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