Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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