just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
