if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
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