I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
