Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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