I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
and you fell through a lawn chair
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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