i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
