And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
