I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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