Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
youre lurking in front of me
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
