Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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