when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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