Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
