you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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