Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
