Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
