i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
