How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
