my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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