Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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