it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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