the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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