How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
